hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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