Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize