I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
