Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
