I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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