Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
