Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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