the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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