im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
