You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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