I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
