Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
