i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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