My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
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