there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
