I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
