I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my being single is dangerous.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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