I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
