he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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