I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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