she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
