Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
