He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
