I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
