Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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