I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you traded sex for a burrito?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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