All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize