You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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