So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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