Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
