Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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