Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
