So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Semen is not good for contacts.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
