I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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