I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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