Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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