i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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