I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize