Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
