I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize