he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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