He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
