I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
