My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
