they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
