Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
