I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
