take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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