If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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