I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
