Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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