dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
