Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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