i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
