I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
