I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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