all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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