Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
