You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
