Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize