I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
