And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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